Hey all,

Well well, well. It's been so long since I last wrote here, SO much has changed its not even funny. Life is so different to what I once thought it would be, my friends and I have moved on, and have drifted away in all sorts of paths, I dont talk to anyone anymore. Partly because of them, partly because of me.

I have put on so much weight Im not a size 6 anymore, I am size 12 and I fucking hate it. I hate being me, I hardly go anywhere anymore, because I hate people looking at me I seriously do, so Im thinking that its my fault with me and my friends. They are always asking me to do stuff, and I always make up excuses not to do it.

It's so hard to lose this weight, I have tried everything you can imagine, the doctors and trying to figure out why I cant lose it, but its taking so fucking long, I wish I could go back to how I used to be! I used to throw everything up so I never put on weight, but if I did that now adam would leave me, NoONE understands how I am feeling right now. The people that care say that Im not fat! I FUCKING am! Cos if I wasnt I wouldnt be feeling like this.

And People wouldnt treat me like a sack of shit the way they have lately!

I have another site that I have all my Poems and stuff posted, please check it out, its awesome and you might wanna join if you write! its the best! size:large;">www.allpoetry.com/Poet/QueenT

Thats all from me today

Mara

Well finally! I think that I can use my journal again! it only took me like 3 months and i had to threaten to terminate my account! I havent been on here in ages! So I am no longer working at Go lo anymore thankgod! I tried my hardest to go back but I wasnt ready and no one understood that so I quit. I havent got a new job yet but i am looking. I'll let you know when I find one I guess. I found a really good site for my poetry to! I love it and so many people like my work its amazing! if u wanna have a look go to this site http://allpoetry.com/poets/QueenT there you will find my stuff! go i have been so bored lately! I need to do something! I never get out of the house anymore it really sucks! To have a life again would be so nice!

I popped a pill (Ecstacy) for the first time two weeks ago. Everyone raved on about how good it was, so I wanted to try it. I was terrified though, terrified that something might happen to me, scared that I would end up in hospital and have to explain to my family that their perfect daughter who had never done anything like this had just taken a drug.

Despite my better judgement I swallowed it and waited for the worse to happen, sitting at the table at the nightclub with my friends, waiting till I felt like getting up and dancing or waiting until i needed to throw up, within a while my leg started to move to the beat by itself, my hands i could not keep still i had to move them. Tap Tap Tap to the beat on the table. All of a sudden I found myself up smiling and dancing I couldnt sit still. All the fear, doubt, depression I am plagued with seemed to just float away effortlessly. I feel like I am ugly and fat and worthless now but that night I felt as if I were the most beautiful and important girl in the whole wide world

Nothing fazed me nothing made me upset, I usually find it hard to express how I feel about people. That night I had no trouble at all. I told all my friends and the people who mean the most to me how I feel. I felt the best I have ever felt. I had to fear no anxiety no anything but pure happiness. Now I'm sitting here back in reality, back in the real world and as fast as my emotions went away, they are now back. I'm back in the world that is scary, my fears are back and everything is hard again.

I understand why there are so many junkies in the world. Not that I am saying I am anything like these people because I am not. But this drug made everything so simple and easy. I could just be ME without constantly looking around to see if people were laughing or pointing. I didnt care what people thought of me.

I loved every minute of it and if it wasnt for my dog of a cousin jaye! I would do it again!

Until next time take care! mara

Hi all how are we today? Me? Well Im not great but i wont complain about it to much. I have another councelling session tomorrow I am so mot looking forward to that. I know that these people are only trying to help but would they be as keen to help me if they werent getting a big fat pay packet at the end of the week? I dont like talking to people that are paid to talk about your problems when in all reality they probably dont give a stuff. I havent done alot this week. I've basically stayed at home and havent left the house. Its kind of strange its pay day today and my bank account is full yet even that hasnt convinced me to get out of the house and back in the real world. I feel safe inside. No one canb hurt me in here right? Well they could if they broke down the door, or smashed a window. Oh GREAT Tamara why did you have to think of that? Okay I'm rambling how about a change of subject? OKAY! GREAT! SO I have been having problems with actually veiwing my journal so with this whole question thing if u have any feedback please dont leave a message on my journal please just private message me or you can email me if you want. Typicalblondegurl@hotmail.com. OKay sweet. Here's Question no 2! 2. You and your daughter are more like best friends then mother and daughter, you spend alot of time together and you know that she tells you everything well atleast she used to. Her new boyfriend who she is mad about is trouble but you cant seem to convince her to get rid of him, normally she would listen but she cares about this boy. He puts a move on you one night after all you are an attractive woman and still fairly young. Suddenly he is all you can think about. You're daughter is very important to you and you would never do anything to hurt her but you think maybe if you make a move back and let her know about it she would then kick him to the curb. Would you risk you and your daughters relationship to get her away from a boy who is clearly no good for her? MY ANSWER: I dont know about this one there are so many other ways of getting your daughter away from a boy than actually comitting adultery. If it were me and my mother did that I know I would be mad at my mother rather than the boy or maybe both! I wouldnt do it. Well I'm going say cheerio! MWAH Mara

Well i have tried to post an entry for several days now and have been unsuccesful! So i emailed easy journal and hopefully it will work now! Has any one out there ever been put in a life threatening situation? Thats a dumb question really Im sure alot of you would have been! Well I was put in one of my biggest nightmares on Friday at work. Only 6 weeks ago Go-Lo was robbed by tow men he held up my friend Michael on register with a knife. I remember thinking 'Thankgod that wasn't me!' I still feel bad for thinking it but I couldnt help it! I didnt ever want to go though something like that. A man came to the rigester and he pushed a bottle of B.B.Q sauce at me with the back of his hand. I remember thinking to myself. 'What a rude prick! Couldnt you have handed it to me?' I took it and scanned it and told him that he owed a dollar ten. BIG SALE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN! He then flicked a five dollar note and me and I had to catch it in the air. That really pissed me off I went to hand him his change and he started leaning back i leaned towards him to try and give it to him and the next thing i know he has me by the throat and flying across the room into the battery wall. God it hurt. I tried to get back up and thats when he pulled out the gun and robbed me, He took everything. I have never been more scared for my life in my life! Ill update this story later
Mwah
Mara